The Robberess

There's a robberess in the night,
Albeit a sultry one.
She's skulking around the corners,
Wielding weapons wickedly blunt.

She sneaks into a manor,
As swiftly as the sleekest dart.
And steals the most prized possession:
The owner's shrivelled heart.

Alarms are set off!
But quickly suppressed.
Guard dogs are released!
But quickly enamoured
By her disarming smile,
Her charming wiles.

Making off with her loot,
She's gleefully pleased.
She didn't even have to shoot!
It was too much of a breeze.

Yet upon closer inspection,
She sees its mediocrity
And deems it not her worth.
She returns to her profession,
Tossing it out without mirth.

How unfortunate for the owner,
Now lying lovesick in bed.
Destined to die a loner.
Dying, dying, dead.

---

Clearing my mind to... Bright Lights - Matchbox 20

Crocodile Tips

King Croc's Guide to Buayaing

Author: Unknown

A lone predator, lurking under cover of darkness. His unwitting prey, gracefully grazing in the open. How can you, as the predator, taste the succulent breast meat of the young and beautiful creatures? How can you woo the nimble nymphs to be yours and YOURS only?



Surrounded by hot chicks

---

Contents

Chapter 1: Understanding the Masses.

Chapter 2: Shedding Crocodile Tears.

Chapter 3: The Clamour for Glamour.

Chapter 4: How to be a Buaya-ess.

Chapter 5: The YoungCroc Awards 2006.

---

The remaining pages are intriguingly missing. Someone must have ran out of toilet paper. Please check back here for more steamy crocodile jaw of death spinning action.



Penning my masterpiece to... Scream - Janet/Michael Jackson

Chapter 3: The Clamour for Glamour

How does the typical crocodile maintain his state of cold-blooded coolness? Why by sunbathing, soaking and swivelling savouring!

The same applies to the cassanova, who has to constantly look good in front of his girlfriend/target. Is it not deathly embarrassing whenever an inconspicuous piece of vegetable is pointed out in one's teeth? Especially when one is supposed to be a carnivorous predator?

Here are several tips for a glam slam, 24-7:

1. Eat only Aglio Olio fusilli without chilli whenever having a pasta dinner. This ensures that there is no cream sauce to make you look overexcited (and have no self-control), nor any tomato base to look blood-thirsty and/or menstrual. The fusilli has to be eaten piece by piece, making sure that no mishaps involving projectile sauce and noodle beards occur. Finally, the lack of any taste whatsoever will do likewise to your breath, for that lusty session of croc-on-croc-lock later on.
   
   Tastily bland
2. At every opportune moment, POSE! Occasionally look down in brooding silence, hands in pocket or clutching your chest. Periodically stare into the bright lights, with cascading hairs in toll. Regularly shoot intense looks into the innocent crowd, letting them see your sexily cool attitude problem.
3. Don't wear high heels! They may be trippin', but they're also tripping. Furthermore, these don't taste exceptionally good, especially when made of crocodile leather. Oh, and you're supposed to be a GUY crocodile.
   
4. Remember correctly when movie times start to avoid frantic scurrying back and forth which will only result in heightened levels of anxiety and embarrassment, as opposed to heightened levels of testerone and endorphins.
   

---

Back to the Buay-sics.

Chapter 2: Shedding Crocodile Tears

After clarifying your inherent genus, you should have a rough gauge of which fowl creatures to aim for. Here are several strategies that never appear to fail, just make sure they aren't seen as crocodile tears!

1. Offer them Subway cookies under the guise of you having extra. Besides the fact that everyone loves Subway, or should at least, they will think that you are generous and magnanimous, as opposed to absent-minded and greedy (to have an extra cookie in the first place). Furthermore, if they read further into it with the saying "you are what you eat", they will falsely (?) conclude that you are sweet, delicious and a bit nutty. Oh and that you are a chunk of sexual chocolate.
2. Clear their yong tau foo trays.
3. Engage in witty banter (but not too witty!) with them over electronic media, so that they cannot see your disgusting face and all that drool... Eww.
   
4. Become subconsciously selective in your choice of friends. Note: This is hard! Care not to have excess swivelling of eyes/hips, for these are commonly associated side-effects. Oh and choose only chio people to befriend/help.
5. Pay for the movie. If they insist on paying you back, accept it but gracefully sneak it back into their *insert random compartment*. An unglam option is their Physics TYS.

Soon, you'll win her heart (and other tasty vital organs)

---

Back to the Buay-sics.

Chapter 1: Understanding the Masses

There are 3 distinct classifications of people:
1) The pug-fug-mug-ugly cave-dwelling (read: white) troglodytes
2) The most typically mundane averagees.
3) The hunks and the fit ladies.

Of course, there are intermediates to the classes, so the author of this book is not insinuating anything about himself select peoples.

These people can also fall under the category of friendly or non-friendly.

Let's review the permutations and discuss their outcomes:

Ugly + non-friendly: The scum of the scum that everyone uses as negative examples and behind-the-back jokes. Try to avoid buayaing one of these, or buayaing if you're one of these.

Ugly + friendly: SCARILY DESPERATE. The over-eager freak being that appears to try to hard to please, or hardly pleases.


Helloooo! I LUUURVE you!
Average + non-friendly: Tau. Plain Tau Sah Pau please.

Average + friendly: The absolutely average person with no connotations. In other words, painfully quotidian.

Good-looking + non-friendly: Sexy, brooding and deserving of all crushing upon. Going for these will result in imminent death, and these people will usually (unfortunately) wind up with the ugly ones.

And finally,
Good-looking + friendly: THE EPITOME OF BUAYA! Of course, our ultimate goal as well.

---

Back to the Buay-sics

Kopping With Life

Everyone's Burnout Capacity is bordering on overflowing. The hectic pre-promotional term is coming to an unceremonious conclusion with everyone burying their long Pinnochio noses into their textbooks.

Tutorial tests, SPAs, mock SPAs, lecture tests. Trainings, OGL briefings, CIP, Band Aid. Blogging, DotA, comics, buayaing. Magazines, TV, multiple DVD series (Invader Zim, Lost, Simpsons, MadTV). Gymming, Nubi, socialising, music.

There is absolutely NO way i'm going to pull a Stella (read: get my groove back).

Today, for instance, had my journeying to J8 with the Four Seasons (yes, our clique has had yet ANOTHER revamp with the addition with Haoyi) after our killer physics mock SPA. Upon reaching home, i didn't even have the time to hastily lay waste before my sis asked me to accompany her walking Nubi.

While doing so, we spotted a gargantuan ant (Gi-ant! HAHA) nest built strategically around some poor animal's bone. The thronging hordes of ants were just too irresistable, with every frenetic attempt at escape shouting out "BURN US WITH LIGHTED TISSUE AND SPRAY FLAMMABLE AEROSOL AT IT WHILE ITS OVER OUR NEST!".

We did, naturally. With Dettol. The ants were falling like, well... flies. Poor Nubi also got bitten all over his legs as they began their counterattack and i had to pick them off him as baboons do reciprocally.

After the risk of a 17 and a 19 year old getting caught vandalising got too great, we proceeded to ignite piles of dog shit instead. SIGH my family is soooo uncool, its cool.

And incendiaries are damn hot. Literally. Whether they be chicken fat candles or makeshift electrodes.

Oh, and saving the best for last, my stupid purple waterbottle spilt leaked away its contents inside my bag over the night. I had to go to school with it dripping like a smelly sponge, all the bubble gum/worksheets/zen touch soaked.

NO THANKS to my grandmother for not telling me it was leaky. NO THANKS to her for not taking it out after school and letting it fester in my bag.

I actually thought it was the Indie construction workers who doused my bag. They had definitely been bearing a grudge against my household ever since that scaffolding collapse incident (the contractor went as berserk as they would if free bread were offered in their homeland).

Anyway, got to get back started on my Ionic Equilibria tutorial. CHEM ROX! Peace out.

(Yet another instance of so uncool, we're cool.)



Regurgitating peppered fish to... Eight Easy Steps - Alanis Morisette

The Perfect Mosquito

One quick glance at the title of this entry, and you may have been struck by a mental condensate of the word 'OXYMORON'.

"There is no perfect mosquito!" you vehemently argue. "They live as flawless mechanisms of irritation, what with their small size, quick speed, taste for blood and tendency to leave behind an untolerable itch of immensely scarring proportions."

But now, after deep thought (and deep penetration, mozzie lah!), i present to you my top priority project once I begin my career as a geneticist: Designing the perfect mozzie!


The Mosquito of the future, looking quite the same as the one now...
Legend of Genetic Modifications:

1. A series of fine hairs are forcefully grown on the mosquito's appendages. These can act as miniature brushes to remove the microscopic dirt particles off us whenever they feed. A MUST for sunburn skin peeling! Furthermore, these hairs can act as some sort of sensual tickler to warn the victim of his uninvited parasite. The victim can then choose to kill it, or enjoy the pain (itching) with the pleasure (tickling).
2. The proboscis is noticeably enlongated so that instead of penetrating our blood vessels, it penetrates our SUBCUTANEOUS FAT layers (woo!), effectively giving us a mini-liposuction whenever they uninvitedly sap us. An added benefit is that the mosquitoes will become obesely corpulent, and will be easy target practice for our clapping palms. Who would want to kill them though, if they sucked away at our fats?
3. In order to digest its new primary dietary substrate, fat, the mosquitoes will have to undergo some physiological changes to its gut. Lipase will have to replace various proteases in the stomach, and the resulting mixture will be too toxic for malarial pathogens to survive! Also, the stomachs of mosquitoes should start producing aspirin alongside their nefarious anti-blood-clotting agents. After the deed is done, the bite won't itch thanks to the injection of aspirin into the puncture wound!
4. Finally, the mosquito's wings are given a multi-chromatic makeover with colours ranging from pink to green (insert). These would give them an almost hypnotic allure as they annoyingly buzz around our heads. Heck, why not give them luciferase for fluorescence too? Then they can usurp those useless fireflies' niche AND give us some quality hypnotherapy.

---

Sigh, the things i will do to NOT get bitten 9 times while sitting on the toilet bowl before i bathe. Sigh, the things i will do to NOT have to massacre 30++ mosquitoes in one night.



I am what i eat, to... The One You Love - Glenn Frey

Like a Foul-mouthed Potty

Dinner today was a pleasant affair. If pleasant had the sexual connotations of Harry Potter books. Also, that analogy made as much sense as a living cookie cannibal.

My sister plopped down a copy of "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" onto the table, casually telling Nick that it was his to bring home (we borrow lotsss). I happened to stumble by, and innocently asked why we didn't give him the crappy version instead (right in front of him, of course).

My sister monotone-ly replied: "We want to keep the adult version."

Being in a hyper mood after all the saccharine kiwi and the sickly sweet grapes, I added "You mean the one where Harry Potter goes into that sex shop?"

I began laughing hysterically, if 'hysterically' meant in suppression after the glare i received from her. WAHAHA.

Of course, Nick had to add "accio toy".

@.@

To which i myself crudely chipped in "use only when in lumos"

...

...

Ok you may kill me now

...

But before you do,

Here's what's new in the line of JK Rowling's adult novels:



"Ron, what ARE you doing!?"

1. Hairy Potter and the Philosopher's Bone
2. Hairy Potter and the Chamber of Victoria's Secrets
3. Hairy Potter and the Sex-Prisoner of Taliban
4. Hairy Potter and the Tablet of Desire
5. Hairy Potter and the Order of the Penis
6. Hairy Potter and the Interracial Royal Rumble

---

WAHAHA. Number 1 and 3 are contributed generously by the wolf-in-sheeps-clothing (read: Nefarious Nick).

Other than that, the Palm Tree Club has a new picture! We ROCK! Ok not punny enough. We VEGETATE!


The Palm Tree called, he wants Congren to stop blocking him



So NOT studying for physics test to... We Spoke Pounds - Snoop Dogg

It's a Rat, It's a Dog...

None of the above actually, for none can encompass the glory and omnipotence that is the RATDOG!

Are you ready to be led to the brink of Dwayne's psyche and back? Are you ready to entrust your life (or at least blog-reading time) to a sadistic rodent? Are you ready for a blatantly plagiaristic attempt to make a webcomic?

*scuffle scuffle. Hmm, wait abit*

---

SPUR HUR. Please don't go to Student's Sketchpad, nor I <3 Darth, not ALP nor any other host of lagi interesting blog comics. Support Ratdog!

WOAH SHIT. Just got an 'ugly' overdose.



Cheonging other people's EoM to... Hypnotic Love - Adrienne ft Jin

Burning the Midnight Oil

Ok, more accurately, its igniting post-twilight liquid lipid.

Literally.

Earlier (yesterday), a scrumptuous dinner awaited us. It was masterfully cooked by XKK, and consisted of bubbly cheese fondue, a whole roast chicken and a generous bowl brimming with crab pasta.

However, i had my share of cheesy oil for lunch (grandma's delectable baked rice, en masse), and decided that i could not tolerate the inch-thick layer of oil floating listlessly above the chicken.

Nick and I hence began siphoning it off into a small sauce cup. This was not enough. The oil filled a standard soup bowl to the 3/4 mark.

*cue acne-riddled expression*


With a vat of flammable oil in one hand, and a lighter in the other, we commenced our pyromania. Very much like Saddam Hussein.

Initially, we wanted to set the dead-leaf-packed drain alight. Unfortunately for us (but fortunately for the Ministry of the Environment), it had just poured and this option was effectively rained out.

There weren't even any insects nor worthy inanimate objects to immolate! Suddenly, we stumbled upon the idea of freezing the oil with one of Whitey's chew toy string strands as the wick.

After half an hour of Invader Zim, our chicken fat candle was ready for its maiden flamin'. We lit, and SUCCESS! It performed its extremely mediocre and mundane task of being a candle. Ho hum, how interesting. *yawns*

It WAS amusing in this the Hungry Ghost Festival. A candle burning within a bowl in the dead of night.

And it smelt like satay. Ibet the ghosts are all flocking here now, it being both symbolic and a food offering in one!

Hmm. These should really be marketed in the future. Meat-scented candles for the terminally obese, where they munch on tasteless vegetables while breathing in the fowl odors for flavour.

OoOoOo



Trying to study physics to... Pick Up the Phone - Ciara

FLAG!

Brittle, computer-hardened eyes will immediately observe the 'Flag' option above.

Upon hovering the mouse over it, a stationary marquee belches out "Notify Blogger about objectionable content."

Is that not a dampener on creativity? Is that not a form of artistic astigmatism and rueful repression? Is this not revoking my license to thrill with RA content?

I warn you people. Do NOT report my more *ahem* slanderous and cantankerous entries to Blogger. That includes the salaciously slapstick 'Wizard of Whores', the blaspheming bomb 'Idol Busters' and other not-so-easily-discovered jpegs.

Also, 'objectionable content' does NOT mean crappy and inane entries. As a result, you may NOT report this particular one to Blogger.

---

The weeks are whizzing by. My resolution to not DotA has been failing miserably. I am content to plop my lazy butt in front of the computer and blog. I self-justify this based on the simple facts that i've finished meagre pieces of homework and have come back from vball trainings. If this doesn't stop soon, i'll end up getting only low straight A's for my promos.

Argh.

Other than that, I made a potentially good new friend today! She rocks! She's an Anglican who's not at all irritating and imposing! Of course, i promised her that i'd blog about her tendency to not-impose-her-religion-on-people, so here it is! Ta da!



Reading the Hip Hop Connection to... Echo - Incubus

New-rAge Therapy

As some of you may have noticed, i have been eerily emo the past few days.

When the homework piles are vertigo-inducing; When the dependency on a cyber-gaming high cannot be curbed; When the performance in all aspects of life are deteriorating; When the world is essentially tumbling on you as does a porridge-container, ONE DESTRESSES!

So, what do I do when i'm down in the dumps, picking through emotional trash like a vapid vagabond?

I immerse myself in the patented Self-Administered Depression-Impairing Super Therapies©! SADIST is also a registered trademark of Dwayne's sickeningly twisted mind (doubly beneficial!)! Don't worry about my health, they've been proven effective in primates!


The Stationery Shopping Stimulation

This programme involves the victim patient undergoing a huge $25 shopping spree for banal stationery! There are Vision Elite 08 Refills, stapler bullets, Uniball Bold Black/Red/Blue-Black/Lilac, erasers and even ink stamps ceremoniously screaming "CANCELLED"!

The stressed therapee (haha. pun.) would be able to vent some frustration as he tackles real-time problems, such as "2 Blue extra fine refills for G-2, or 1 new Uniball Saver Extravaganza Value Pack?". A sense of ownership is also fulfilled as he crams all 316968 refills into his pencil box while boasting proudly to grossed-out people friends on his new uber-sexy purchases!

I went through this on Tuesday, but it wasn't as effective as normal. Hence, i proceeded to...


The Non-Subtlety of Bubble T

Aromatic fragrances, delectable tastes and hazardously fattening substances to line a bloated tummy! Conversely, converse with friends and socialise as you sip a tangy Prune Orange Milk Tea w/ Pearls*, or a Coffee Mango Ice*!

The immediate happiness and contentment is a natural side effect. The sugar high, the honey high, the saccharine high and the syrup high have absolutely nothing to do with this.

*Do not judge the tastes of the therapists. Especially if you've been sabo'ed treated by another individual's sadistic 'preferences'*


Extreme Cybergaming Self-Help

An influx of endorphins, a burst of adrenaline. A dose of vivid and disturbing dreams, a desire for revenge and retribution over mere pixels. Definitely the BEST way to calm an angsty person!

Self-help yourself to 3 hours of DotA on weekdays when you earlier swore to refrain! Self-help yourself into a frenzy over how much work you have yet to accomplish! Self-help yourself into a tiresome addiction whose roots of entanglement cannot be so easily pruned!

---

Well, as a result of the SADISTic courses i've undergone, i'm much happier now. One way to gauge my jubilance is to observe the frequency and effectiveness of puns i churn out. PUNy mortal! (hmm, i guess im not that happy yet...)

There's also the everyone's-at-chem-remedial-so-i'm-free-on-mondays-and-fridays factor, but thats really minor. Really.

:D



Laying on the Maths to... Gin and Juice Remix - Snoop Dogg

Nobody's Perfect

Nobody's perfect.

Some may appear to be outwardly perfect: Sporty, sociable, intelligent, good-looking, *insert positive adjective*.

They don't want you to observe their inefficiencies in hand-eye coordination. They don't want you to pinpoint the faults that they cannot sing, nor that they cannot perform effectively under pressure. They don't want you to know that they are secretly lazy, and that they blow things out of proportion for self-gratification in their quotidian lives.

They don't want you to notice that they can't handle humiliation. They don't want you to spread gossips behind their backs.

They don't want you to know that they avoid making proper friends so as to prevent them from knowing the entire truth.

They don't want you to realise that this semi-respectable person has deep dark secrets, deep dark habits and deep dark longings dissolving away at their corporeal being.

They don't want you to notice that they are big hacks. They don't want you to notice that they are shallow, superficial and completely unworthy of being your friend. They don't want you to ignore them, nor would they want to ignore you.

They don't want their history and crises, from school to CCA to social life, from reaching your ears. They don't want you to taunt them about their inefficiencies and failures past, present and future.

So, understand that nobody's perfect.

Sigh. I really wish I was nobody.



Moping around to... Neither of Us Can See - Incubus

Living Vicariously Through Jianbrutha

I should have seen it coming,
I should have read the signs
Anyway, I guess it's over

-Fool Again, Westlife

Well, besides the fact that my entire reputation is about to be disastrously ruined due to the discovery of a rather incriminating piece of personal pride putridity, the day has been good.

Today's philosophical ramblings shall be about how blogging is hazardous to one's health.

Blogging essentially allows the author/sarcissist/voyeur to don the veil of secrecy that is the computer screen. No one sees him in person and he sees none of his readers lest they are close enough friends/family. An otherwise perfect symbiotic relationship.

However, once one attains a teensy measure of infamy... THE WORLD IS LOST! Other than everybody now knowing of me as *shudder* 'hunkiest', a title so erroneously awarded, there are the random phantom blogders who browse *ahem* older-than-PG entries and ramblings. They then proceed to disseminate the files information to other random phantom friends.

For instance, it is now public perception that i am an uber attention-seeking whore and a maestro of manipulation. This is as opposed to the sarcissist (sarcastic narcissist lyricist) and the humourously self-deprecating tone i have tried to adopt online.

I can't help it if deep down, i'm a very shallow person. Introvertedness runs in the family, and even wins Olympic Golds. The only way to project myself in all my glory (literally) is to live vicariously through my blog.

Introverts crave acceptance and attention from everyone, even themselves. This is the main reason why i come up with thought-provoking and controversial entries (or so i hope). This is how i can properly vent my creativity, and enjoy the entire prospect of blogging.

This. Is. How. I. Get. Into. Trouble. Doing. Stupid. Things. On. My. Blog.

eg. See 'Elitism'. I got pwned by my cell leader for that.

The feeble protection that the computer screen offers is not enough when everyone's ravaged your innermost thoughts and pictures.

I, however, will not change my blog (or so i solemnly swear today). To diffuse any excitement chaos from ANYTHING spawned on this site, go HERE. My certified-hunky blogger cousin wrote a rather [s]explicit entry on boxers...



Attempting to maintain my dignity to... Fool Again - Westlife

Anthony By Day...

... and Anthony by night.

Ler, that is. He was that mastermind whose name was ruthlessly dragged through the mud and whose neck was ruthlessly dragged through a noose (though not unjustified). He manipulated a 15-year old boy into doing dastardly and mentally sick things for him, as would Michael Jackson.

Well, that's not really the point. As of late, i've been christened "Anthony Ler" by people among the EFers. This is due to my inate ability to sow rapidly-germinating seeds of hellionish behaviour in people around me (read: corrupt and make them do evil for me).

Usually, i would suggest a completely ridiculous and potentially dangerous prank/activity/pyromaniacally-satisfying event. I would then proceed to bring across the idea so effectively to the weak-minded lesser beings friends around me such that THEY would follow in my footsteps, effectively performing it for me to watch.

After all the ensuing chaos, I would gracefully slink back into the shadows and let others take the blame. It literally was the perfect way to observe a masterfully-managed orchestra of tumult.

For instance, there was this stone-throwing incidence. It lies forever etched in my memory as the scratches lie forever etched in my neighbour's car. Even though i threw some rocks, my sister got most of the blame as she was the one caught doing the deed (HEH SORRY!).

Another one is that of the mass murders. No arthropod/amphibian is safe around our group. Normally, they would simply decapitate the poor creatures with brute physical force. It was not until my voice of (t)reason injected the ideas of FIRE and CANNED MOSQUITO REPELLENT that we got somewhat reprimanded.

Also, there's multiple suggestions of 'ponning' and all the lame dares and bets. The sneaking into Secondary Schools closed for the holidays. All the insidious spreading of dissent via gossipping. That constant posse of mindless slaves...

Unfortunately, one cannot do this for long amongst the same group of people. They eventually figured out the pattern of the crimes and began pointing fingers.

Hence my reputation for being such a trouble-starter, even when completely innocent!

Now,
Everytime our cell leader cries? Dwayne. Everytime a pile of ashes is spotted near a drain? Dwayne. Everytime the kids ask to go to Subway? Dwayne.

Sigh you really can't win in a righteously-charged world. It's so unfair that good triumphs over evil selective trouble-making.

Hey, I can't help it if the tendrils of my influence sap away the willpower of those around me ;)

Note: Dwayne has changed post-Christianity! He REALLY has! The frequency of social turbulence caused has decreased to a mere twice weekly! I hope.



Influencing you as you are to... Put It In - Sheik Haikel

Unmanageable Dress Hearts

Silent! Listen:

A Lexus,
Sexual.


Hot Cars, To Chars


A Rubber Tea Break, Haoyi?
Buaya Boi Heartbreaker!

Serene's Vixens.
Sexiness? Never


Pam, U Nodding, Tanned Dewy Diva!
Pwned and You Didn't Give a Damn


Over Rilong,
Groin Lover

"Bewitched"
We Bitched

The Anagrams Are Unblessed
Unmanageable Dress Hearts

Dwayne Yawned


HA! Butter some DotA mage
That Uber Toadsome game



Crapping a quickie with anagrams to... I Know - Sheik Haikel

The Gym Buffet

Come feast at the gym buffet,
Its a scrumptious spread...

A platter of Lat pulldowns,
The canoeist's butter and bread.
After which a 50 second cooldown,
Before i change station and spread...

... My wings in a Tricep Dip,
Saucy and sauteed in sweat.
Care not to let those muscles rip,
Still some chewing for the gym mat...

... Where one crunches on sit-ups,
Or sits-up on crunches.
Until my stomach crumbles and erupts
From too full a lunch.

At the gym buffet.

Yet, I still eat more
Since weights are free.
I'm like a kid in the candy store,
Wanting my back to be
Like a Christmas tree.

Grain fresh from the treadmill,
While steppers can be your mainstay.
If the service is poor, just ring a barbell,
And more food is on its way.

I'm down to my final helping,
I devour it on the inclined bench.
Till i hear somebody yelping
"From where's this pug-ugly stench?"

Urea-lly think its me?
Must have been all the protein
Downed on an eating spree.
Its going to kill my spleen.
I'm even becoming dumberer, can't you see?

Hmm...

It seems I've overeaten
At the fantabulous gym buffet.

---

WOO! Just went to the gym for the pure KICK of it! I was aching so much that i could barely feel my upper body when i ended off the session with a couple of sprints O.o The lack of training for the past 3 days triggered some guilt hormones that just gave me this uncontrollable urge to exercise. I even made it a point to be extremely intense (8 stations + sprinting, 3 sets and 5 sets respectively). WAH so happy now!

Nothing beats the adrenaline and exercise-secreted endorphins! Not the 3 imminent pieces of HUGE homework due tomorrow (Bio tutorial, PW written report draft, GP presentation)! Nor the prospect of the aching during the definitely hiong volleyball training! Nor the fact that i'm blogging into the night and postponing my work! Nor that i will end up just DotAing the night away!

Ok. But maybe when cumulative...

Argh shit.

Disclaimer: Dwayne only eats in moderation at the gym buffet. He does NOT indulge in the sinful stuff that is Myoplex. Not yet, at least ;)



Piaing Written Report to... Ash'uruhu - Sheik Haikel

Back to Mediocrity [Tomorrow]

The long weekend doesn't look very long from here.

20+ hours of DotA can wrack a person's mind with extreme guilt. However, it was not all unproductive...

There was the spiritually enriching Festival of Praise on Saturday, where i was inspired to even buy the CD! I was feeling grotesquely gross after chem lab on Friday, where my snorting of that pale yellow powder gave me a nauseous high (sulphur lah!).

There was church followed mindless DotAing on Sunday, where in a creative fit i relyricised a rock song. That is rather self-praise-worthy cause i NEVER spoof rock songs! Its always RnB or rap or Britney Spears... I also got addicted to this cool orange cough drop and thanks to God, my illness subsided through the night without entering the fever phase.

Monday heralded Nubi's birthday celebrations! The rest of my family, currently embroiled in someone's nether lands, SMSed back to tell me they were dining on the scrumptuous Bayswater Duck Rice... AND not tah-powing any back for me (although i think that's much better than the decaying alternative)

Finally, yesterday saw nick and i going to Orchard to...

*drumroll*

... HAVE SUBWAY FOR DINNER!

Talk about bo liao. It's just so unfair that there are no Subways in the Bishan region, and that i'm hopelessly addicted to its soft buns, its delectably meaty goodness and its hot sexy cookies.

Anyway, that wasn't all. There was the occasional bumping into random friends, the critiquing of fugzoidic passers-by and the buying of LAGI CHEAP CDs at HMV's clearance sale. Extremely loserly though, for we were aiming to go and buaya people o..O

Sigh. Such a fun weekend...

The enjoyment of today, the day after National Day (Public School Holiday), is marred by the ominous prospect of tomorrow.

Tomorrow, i return to mediocrity. Tomorrow, i am propelled back into the fray of mindless competition. Tomorrow, i have to once again don the hideous mask of the mugger. Tomorrow, i am one day closer to all the due homeworks (esp WRITTEN REPORT OMG) that i haven't been able to get down to doing after the CTs.

Tomorrow. Sigh... I'm so confused that this entry doesn't even have a specific tone, making it all the more disturbing for me.



Dreading leaving the long weekend to... Foreboding Silence

Happy Birth-into-the-Wang-family-Day Nubi!

... aka Happy Bitchday Nubi! 'Bitch' because as of one year ago, i have been owning Nubi (ie he is my bitch. Wait, or am i his bitch/mother dog? Hmm or just ignore this discombobulating sentence).

Wanting to make this day extremely special for him, i decided to go pet shop shopping. Unfortunately, the nearest one is at Lorong Chuan next to Chomp Chomp, whilst my house was smack center in Braddell...

He was skittling about the house while i readied myself and attempted to groom his unhairarelled form (read: coat unpararelled with shedding hair). He was so excited that he even defecated on the leash so gratuitously attached to him!

Starting out with Nubi on a disgustingly-moist leash in tow, i tried, for a VERY long time, to take a good picture of both of us.


I just HAD to put the first picture in to affirm that i'm not as girly as I look in the second one.

While on the way out, i made it a point to wish "'appy Buurthdae Newbie!" in as cuddly wuddly a tone as i could muster. You could tell by the 5th time that he was irritated by it.


My best yo-yo trick: Walk the Dog

Nubi had been blowing his coat recently. Its this bi-annual process of Huskies violently ejecting their fur ala projectiles. An obsessive compulsive person does NOT bode well with small fur clumps sticking out of their prized possessions, and i hence started defeathering Nubi.


Hair beyond compare

Past the neighbourhood Mama shop, Nubi's ears suddenly perked as he noticed the cutest of female Huskies. Unfortunately, it was stuck in the ugliest of houses with the ugliests of mongrels.


Her eyes, so radiant. Her tongue, so soft. Oops, did i say that last one out loud?

*toasts* Here's hoping Nubi and erm... Alaskyxia (meh, sexiest Husky name i can think of) wed and make beautiful babies for ME ONLY the world!

At this time, my stomach was churning with God-knows-what disease inadvertedly transmitted through Nubi's saliva (he hadn't been bathed for 2.5 weeks, hence the urgency to shop for pet stuff). I beared with it and continued the long trek to Lorong Chuan.

Feeling a bit generous, i splurged on a $1.50 bottle of Evian mineral water. Not for MY comsumption, but for Nubi's! Haiz he WAS panting. I received many unnecessary stares that screamed "ECCENTRIC HOLLYWOOK DOG-LOVING FREAK!". But their eyes could have been simply transfixed on Nubi's unimaginable cuteness, or mine...


*Gulp* There goes $1.50 worth of dog-water.

Finally, we approached the hill overlooking Lorong Chuan's town circle. My bubbling intestines were almost too torturous to tolerate, but Nubi must come first, and after mouthing a pain-laced "Happi Bubday Nubi!", we headed down.


Nub: Dog in the City

Mindless wandering and tempestuous stomachs speedily led us to the Pet's Station. The store aunties jie-jies were so mesmerised by Nubi and his handsomeness! When i mentioned that it was his birthday, they even threw in a bottle of Bacon-flavoured water FOC! Of course, i can only hazard a guess as to why E.e (read: Nobody in his right mind will buy bacon water for his dog. Correction: BLUE bacon water)


I couldn't take pictures inside the shop. They had a dogma to uphold

The journey back was equally gruelling. I ended up bombing Baghdad in the nearby Esso petrol station. The garage attendant even offered to hold onto Nubi while i fought terrorism!

Throughout this dog-day afternoon, i may have spent 2.5 hours of my life. I may have spent $25 of my rapidly depleting allowance reserves. I may have dropped my handphone twice due to the gross shorts i donned that had spoilt pockets. I may have had to endure diarrhoea pangs for unholy amounts of time.

Whatever happened, IT WAS WORTH IT!


Dogged by thirst after his Birthday, first
Hap Dae You You Nubi!!

Edit: Go to StudentsSketchPad.blogspot.com! It rocks omg! I can soo identify with their hiliarious comic stereotypes on Singaporean students!



Retyping this entry lost to... Irrestible Delicious - Missy Elliott

Don't Sleep!

Inspired by true events in church ie. Me sleeping through half of it.

---

Don't Sleep

(sung to the tune of No Doubt's "Don't Speak")

[Verse 1]
Monotony,
To which my mind is tethered
While we pray, it's tethered, always
I really feel
That I'm reaching my wit's end,
I can't deceive
This clergy. The End.
It feels as though i'm letting go,
It's an ordeal,
Well I don't want to doze.

[Chorus]
Don't sleep!
I know church may be boring,
Potentially migraining,
Please try and stay alert.
Don't sleep!
Don't pretend you're winking,
Stop committing treasons,
Those ones against the church!

[Verse 2]
Dream fantasies,
Well, they can be inviting.
And most are brought about by
Nightly gaming.
As the guy says "Trust the sky",
With my head in my hands
I get shut eye.

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
Sermon's ending
I gotta stop pretending i'm aware...

Christianity,
I can't sleep, its crying...
"Wakey!"

Don't sleep!
I know church may be boring,
Potentially migraining,
Please try and stay alert. (So? So? So?)
Don't sleep!
Don't pretend you're winking,
Stop committing treasons,
Those ones against the church!
Like nipples just stay pert!
Preacher's boring braying,
But please start refraining,

Don't sleep!
Don't sleep!
Don't sleep!
Oh, I see heavy blinking,
And I don't need your reasons.
You know you should,
You know you should,
You know you really should.
Oh, Zz Zz zZ zz ZZ Zz zZ Zz ZZ zz Zz
Don't, Don't, Zz-zZZz.
Mind's eye swirlin'.
Blush, blush darlin'. Hush, hush
Don't yell or scream or blurt!
Mind's eye swirlin'.
Gush gush, droolin'. Shush, shush.
Like nipples just stay pert!

---

Dripping my drippy nose to... Don't Speak - No Doubt

Mather FLICKers!

The Handsome Threesome is now officially known as the Palm Tree Club for reasons too random to fathom. Ok, i'll explain them to you anyway.

Palm Tree Club is an intentional take on being a less glamourous Pine Tree Club. The 'Palm' is inserted since a 'hand' contains a palm. Furthermore, 'Palm' is a pun on 'pun', while Tree is a pun on 'Three' while also portraying our vegetative state.

I REALLY don't know how we came up with all this shit. It was supposed to be the Punsome Handsome Threesome or whatnot. PTC just sounds so much more... elite.

Anyway, we've been quite close as of late, usually sitting around each other (PG! PG! Not RA! Ok, maybe Rilong's mondo molestation of me isn't very apt for kids), playing lame and pun games and generally going around with each other.

Note: This is NOT some gay clique. I am still available (not to gays)! Can't speak for the others though...

While in one of our quadripedally crippled states (read: lame), i decided to show them something i discovered a while back:

'flick' in caps gives FLICK, which looks amazingly like the 'f-word'. We hence adopted it to replace our random vulgar outbursts and for the novelty of it all. Rilong even went to add on this hand action where the middle finger suddenly spurts out of a closed fist in flicking motion. SOOO COOL!

When explaining to Congren on how 'flick' effectively assumes the dastardly identity of the f-word, i mindlessly doodled it on a piece of paper which i consigned to the depths of my bag.

That was on Tuesday. Today, the Maths Teacher, Zhen Mei Yong (YOU find the hanyu pinyin) called me to see her after school regarding the Maths Assignment i handed up to her yesterday.

She brought me into a corner, her brow furrowed in curiosity and anger, and handed me this:


No's way i have to go to school!
I WAS LIKE, OMGGGG!!!! Emphasis on the multitudes of 'GG's (good game, frequently said when defeated in warcraft) at the end. I. Had. Just. Given. Her. Homework. While. Cursing. Her.

Imagine a model student: Studious, does all the schoolwork ahead of schedule, listens in class, hunky...

Suddenly, he morphs into some hair-dyed monster who's sending his teachers cryptic expletive-laden messages.

HOHOHOHOHO! I was never meant to be a good boy sitting in a corner like a geektard.

By the way, her response was "Dwayne, what's the vulgarity about? Is it written by you. Who is it directed to? Please Explain. Leong MY. Redo Q3, 4, 5 [no doubt punishment] & hand in on Monday in my pigeon hole".

Is it me or was that reply positively SALACIOUS?



Aching after training to... Cry - Mandy Moore

Giving and Tekong

Recently, thanks to the upped temperature (read: increased frequency and intensity) of vball and weights training, i've been perpetually HUNGRY! This rocks, for hopefully all that food will not magically appear as limpid lipid lakes, but rather as megalithic muscle mountains.

Ok, poor excuse (and gross imagery) for alliteration there.

Yesterday, 1S03N went on its second Learning Journeys. This is yet another sadistic scholastic 'mandatory option' by the MOE. It was a special visit to the Pulau Tekong BMTC, or Basic Military Training Institute. The place i'll call home for 3 months in 2007 when i enlist to oh-so-diligently serve the country.

Ooh, care to enjoy the SOFTI Island Getaway with me?


What's Tekong you so long? Enlist Visit us today!

Here, you will taste first hand the exquisite cuisine once only available to NSMen! Chew on dollops of pleasantly chilled seafood pasta, sip on saccharine red bean soup, gestate with generous servings of butter biscuits and Milo.

The rooms are cool from morning dew and the sea breeze. Speaking of sea breeze, why not take a peek outside the dorm window? ALAS! It is a picture perfect view of the rolling emerald ocean.

There's entertainment and variety wherever one looks! Ranging from state-of-the-art virtual rifle ranges to air-conditioned halls and recreational rooms.

Finally, it is a completely free WEIGHT LOSS + BUFF UP CAMP! Exercise while the crimson sun rises above the sea line, and burn off carbs in the gym

Qualifications: Visitor must be of 18 years and above, and be a Singapore citizen or Permanent Resident. Visitor cannot withdraw from the luxury programme, and come to think of it, cannot even deny the offers.

Oops.

[insert miscellaneous quote from 'The Island' involving people dying to go there, only to realise that they die when they actually go]

---

Since i was complaining that i had nothing to blog about, the very vain Serene Ser wanted me to blog about her...

TROLLCHIOBU-NESS

The very shexshy, the very toight...

---

Fiddling with my new hairstyle to... Neither of Us Can See - Incubus

Ego Yokes, High Cholesterol Part 4

Hmm. When the weight of the world lies squarely (or circle-ly) on your shoulders, there's no better remedy than to make some YOKE OF THE DAY recap! In other words, i'm at a loss for words to update the myriad events that have transpired in the past few days. But that's just me.

Enjoy your Yokes runny!

---

• The world should be kept in a box (Lyric from the title song of "Channel Upteenth Three", which is HERE ON YOUR TV!)
  
• Was that pun-intentional? (heh, one of my better retorts to some smart-ass who's all pompous after making a pun)
  
• What are your views on ignorance and apathy? I don't know and i don't care. (My sentiments exactly)
  
• Deep down i'm a very shallow person. (Quotable Jen, his best statement ever. I'm sure it was casually lifted off some other source though ;P)
  
• Nubi's hair beyond compare (Try to think of another Yoke when you're literally breathing in shed fur from my husky's coat-blowing)
  
• *blank*
• How many people actually notice the YotD changes everyday? Hmm... (This WAS actually a thought i had to myself that day...)
  
• 'She Likes Me For Me', to 'Shook' (My Creative Mediasource was missing 1 song from the library as compared to my Zen Touch, and being the anal bastard i am, I just HAD to have it properly organised. Realised the buggy song was somewhere between these two songs. Nonetheless, i DID not find it and had to reload my entire library of 1300+ tracks)
  
• Check out my Profile! (Come to think of it, do it NOW!)
  
• iRNA, uRNA, whoRNA? (My eyes go @.@ at my crude allusions to the biology chapter of Replication of DNA)
  
• It doesn't take much to direct a whole (Me complaining about the easiness of being a leader, as compared to one of his/her slaves dutiful loyalists)
  
• Your legacy is left with friends, not with positions held (Words of the Wise: Ee Jean, after it turned out i wasn't popular enough for a place in the House Comm)
  
• Pokemon: Elitist eFer (EFers pwning pudgy people at church. Check out the entry 'Elitism'. FYI, its a crude pun on the Elite Four in Pokemon)
  
• A: How could you have the cheek to crack all those jokes? B: Butt butt butt... (WOOT sometimes i just crack myself up!)
  
• Stop being so judgmental about my spelling... (Jen and I were debating on the correct spelling of 'judgmental'. Guess which version i chose thanks to certain American Austrian influences in Terminator 2?)
  
• If Darth Sidious is insidious, then isnt Darth Vader invader? *Shudders, and not from intimidation* (Just came back from Star Wars Ep3 sneak. Some random topic we were discussing, on how dark lords got their monikers. Well, Sith Happens for some.)
  
• Izzy izzy ah (Missy Elliott song from her first album! Rawks! I was listening to it in anticipation of her new album, currently blasting on my radio at 11pm)
  
• What does one Pharma say to another? Migraine is better than yours (Pharma = farmer, Migraine = My grain. WAHAHA euggh. Original joke btw, although who'd want to claim credit for it...)
  
• If you have any extra poo, i'd suggest you hurl it now. (Intelligent Primate from 'Madagascar'! I just HAD to type this quote in after watching the sneak.)
  
• Don't worry about it, my derriere. (In lieu of immense randomness, i shall refrain from making matters worse attempting to elucidate matters)
  
• Don't quit smoking, quit life. Its more dangerous (mmm hmm *agrees wholeheartedly with self*)
  
• Incest Leia (confirm spected from DHo, thinking about reliving Jabba's last hour alive, i'll bet)
  
• Takes pun to know fun (Yet another comeback, but for when people question the integrity of your [very crappy] puns)
  
• I may be mug ugly, but you're pug ugly (To all who call me mugger, this applies to YOU!)
  
• Words are my instruments in the composition that is life (read: Blogging pwnz!)
  
• The world's your oyster shell, so what's that funny smell? You eat the bible anyway, you'll soon get salmonella (From the Barenaked Ladies' "Who Needs Sleep?", absolutely punning. Oops, pwning.)
  
• Necs please (Me discovering the beauty of a hero in DotA humbly appellated "Rotund'jere". He's the BEST lah! Oh and he's a necrolyte/necromancer. Pun on 'next, please', a phrase popular in the EFers)
  
• The snake in the grass is barking up the wrong tree. (So what animal am i again?)
  
• My car of thought goes "BEP! BEP!" (Just got the Black Eyed Peas' new album, and was particularly satisifed with my buy)

---

John Lennon has his Yoko Ono, I have my Yoke-o, Day-old.



Scratching mosquito bites to... Can't Stop - Missy Elliott

Polygramy

Congren has introduced to me the very sacred, the very mystic, the very mesmerising and addictive art of AMBIGRAMS!

They are essentially statements that can be read in one way, then when inverted 180 degrees (meaning upside down), can be read in the exact same way! If they sound familiar, its cause they were popularised in that blaspheming bastard famous author, Dan Brown in 'Angels & Demons'.

Congren's take on my name:


DWAYNE! DWAYNE! WAH i'm having double vision @.@

My turn for some flippant fun:


Sherilyn, aka that ghostly-white... Ghost.


Oh ho! Didn't i say white? Still cute lah (read: don't beat me up)!


Buayan! The GP Overlord


SLEEP SOMEMORE!


Pamela! Vball capt and fellow PW(n)er. My nick for her, fyi. Try doing 'Pamela' for God's sake.
-PICTURE REMOVED BY ADMINISTRATOR-
... for being too WROARR!

And finally, out of gratitude for Congren himself,


Opposites attract

---

Nonetheless, this and the other 5353123 ambigrams i did throughout the day completed decimated by concentration. CONCENTRATION! OMG CHEM SPA! Uggh.



Nursing a diarrhoea-riddled stomach to... On & On - Missy Elliott