The Wizard of Whores
(In case you haven't already guessed, this is a crudely unfunny satire on the Wizard of Oz)
Once upon a time, there was a young chao ah lian named Dotty. She was pretty pretty (and skanky to match) and would never be seen anywhere without her Toto-Toy ("gives as much pleasure as gambling"), frequently engaging in intercourse with it (TALK lah!).
Her Toto-Toy, however, was simply a cheaper and more commercial version of the Mega Blasters as popularised on Missy Elliott's "Toyz", but that's completely beside the point.
At 12 midnight on her birthday, her fruity ovaries ripened to the legal age of 18. Luckily, she was wearing her birthday suit, for anything else might have been stained. Bad.
At this pivotal and defining moment in her life, a freak mental tornado swept her young nubile mind into a whole new shitload of disillusionment. It was vicious, it was overwhelming, it was... purely ravaging.
"OooOoh!" she exclaimed in an ecstatic high. "Toto, i think we're not in Kranji anymore"
Toto-Toy whirred and vibrated in agreement.
Dotty glanced around at her surroundings: Curvaceous hills littered with a tiny mud hut atop each one, phallic obelisks were erected in the middle of nowhere, cavernous holes threatening to swallow one whole... Obviously, the architect of this mindscape was terribly perverse.
Suddenly, loud cheering erupted from behind her (not from her behind... that would be just sick). She quickly spun around and was greeted by an unholy gathering of extremely NOT well-endowed (height being one of them) man-things. A particularly ugly cretin crept up behind her and bit her butt, but this minor inconvenience was taken care of immediately as the rest of the man-things swarmed that cretin in turn and chomped on his arse.
"OooOoh!" Dotty moaned out post-'revelation', if you know what i mean. "No wonder you guys are called Munch-hinds". Toto-toy could not help but feel a nagging suspicion over these troglodytes, but then Toto-toy could only have nagging feelings anyway.
After a whole crappola of buttmunch (the same applies to the storyline here), the Munch-hinds thanked Dotty profusely for accidentally vanquishing the Wicked Bitch of Eastcoast, who had earlier been refusing to whore her *ahem* assets to the Munch-hinds. They then forced Dotty to wear the Bitch's magical scandals.
To guide Dotty on her road to self-discovery, they mentioned something vague about a "Wizard of Whores" who could help her in her journey of self-discovery, and started chanting:
"Follow the Geylang Back Road, follow the Geylang Back Road! Hi-De Hi-De Hi-De Hi-deh follow the Geylang Back Road!"
Dotty thought she grasped the gist (and lots more) of their message and continued on her way, never realising that the sneaky Munch-hinds were actually chanting for more 'hide' to sink their cigarette-stained yellow teeth into.
The Geylang Back Road was beautiful! It was quiet (save the occasional grunting and groaning, source: unknown) and peaceful, except for the occasional blood-curdled scream. The place was also well-lit under the coruscating red lanterns pimping some sort of undisclosed service. The road stretched in one direction, and there were hypodermic needles littering the dark and dank floor.
Other than that, Dotty completely enjoyed the ambience.
Toto-toy purred softly and smoothly, providing a calming presence and much more for Dotty.
She wanted to find the Wizard to seek his advice. She needed to know whether to return to innocence (damn pwning song by Enigma, btw) or to continue down this path of self-discovery. Also, she had to know whether she was in a deliriously (wet) dream.
After a lonesome (but no less fun) while of walking, Dotty spotted a rather limp Scarecrow, sprawled spread-eagle across the district. She stood right over it, her pert... hands waving about gestures of impatience.
"Wah BIANG eh!! Simi Scarecrow buay song sleep in the middle of the road! Some people need to walk leh! KNNB CCB!"
Whatever (sexual) predator lurking in the shadows that heard this brutal display of butch-ness was immediately scared away, guranteeing Dotty's safe passage.
Wanting to not be further delayed, Dotty tried walking over the flaccid scarecrow.
BIG MISTAKE! NO STARK-NAKED WOMAN SHOULD TRY TO WALK OVER A MAN PRETENDING TO BE LIMP.
Unfortunately, Dotty didn't suspect this, and the Scarecrow literally sprang up under her.
Luckily (or unluckily for the Scarecrow), our heroine knew the secret martial (or was it marital?) arts of the Karma Sutra and immediately pinned him down in some kinky position that even a limp scarecrow could not bend around to. Dotty then delivered a swift kick to the scarecrow's groin, simultaneously screeching "Take this, you cheekopek!"
The scarecrow expressed no pain, and even started convulsing in pleasure.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Dotty menacingly shouted while letting loose a flurry of kicks to the Scarecrow's groin. The Scarecrow apparently reached a climax of sorts, as he started oozing straw out of his ears of corn.
"Thank you for freeing me from my imprisonment. I was trapped by the Wicked Bitch of Eastcoast while on my way to see the Wizard of Whores" the scarecrow solemnly muttered, scaring the shit out of Dotty (if there WAS any left after the Munch-hinds). "I need my problem corrected. You see, i can only achieve my *ahem* nirvana through violence and kinky torture."
*Cue stunned silence*
"I want to experience scarecrow lovin' the normal way!" he continued. "I want some serious corn in the cob action here, if you know what i mean."
Dotty hence gained a new travelling companion on her journey. Toto-toy once again felt a shiver down its spine, although that may be because Dotty turned on its power.
The travellers then came across a pubicly displayed Lion.
"No no no. Stupid author, i am not feeling in the mood for any zoophilia or kinky animal sex scenes here!" Dotty announced loudly to the narrator of this fairy tale gone wrong.
"BUT IT IS IN THE PLOT, HOWEVER CONVOLUTED AND DISGUSTING" boomed a voice from above.
"Please? Pretty please?"
"NO!"
"Don't eff $#*& ^% with ME you arrogant, erectile dysfunctioned CCB SOB!" she let loose another barrage of vulgarities completely unbecoming of her.
"OKOK THEN!" the voice submitted, relinquishing all poetic justification he had.
Dotty and co. then came across a very hard and firm Tin Man, who was silently crying atop a slummy trashcan lid.
"I can't even cry!!" the Tin Man lamented. One can only imagine what else he could not do involving a secretion of fluids. The trashcan lid shouted from underneath him "You still owe me $$$, you dry bastard!".
"WAAAAAAAAH" he sobbed. At this point, Toto-toy inappropriately malfunctioned and started violently vibrating while in the scarecrow's hands. "Oh shizzles..." the Scarecrow groaned as more straw started foaming out of his every orifice.
Ignoring the obnoxious Scarecrow, Dotty went up to the Tin Man. "I've always liked strong, hard men who can dominate me" she cooed seductively into his metallic ears. "I'm sure the Wizard of Whores can have your problem fixed, with a little (actually no, a LOT of) lubricant"
This obviously cheered up the Tin Man, and he put away his deficiencies and followed along with the ragtag group. Don't worry, there were no orgies here as everyonel had some random sexual problem, so no one was in any mood for virile copulation. This is hence the only scene to qualify as an M-18.
They finally made their way to the end of the Geylang Back Road. Here lay the majestic, the splendid and the sparkling Emmigrant City. Here, muliple-sex-changed transvestites from all over the world such as exrotic Thailand converged to get their prostitution permits verified by the Wizard of Whores.
Upon entering under the City's signature green arches, actually a cleverly disguised groin & leg region of some crystalline behemoth, the trio were greeted by a thunderous voice represented by a kinky pole-dancing whore-logram.
"You cannot be helped! There exists no scientific methods of augmentation to suit your needs!"
Dejected, the trio were about to turn back when they saw a weeping Pamela Anderson (and her bosom buddies) storm angrily out of the booth.
"Next, please" cued their turn with the Wizard. Tremendous waves of excitemen' and all other 'men were building up in our protagonists. At last, they would be able to address their problems.At last, they would have their revenge (oops wrong movie :P)
They stepped into the booth with great trepidation, only to be pleasantly shocked (and not by the Wizard's kinky electro-torture gadget, Zapgasm). The Wizard of Whores was not the man he was portayed to be! He was smaller than the Munch-hinds, and that says a lot.
"Before you comment on my stature, i must reiterate that 'its not the size, its how you use it!'" the wizened old Wizard explained.
"Wasn't that quote from Nigel Powers in Austin Powers 3?" Dotty asked quizzically.
"Aack then you have discovered my lack of intelligence as well..." the Wizard concluded in submission, and committed suicide via autoerotic asphyxiation.
Without the title character, the entire story also unceremoniously ends.
Haha. Just joking.
Dotty goes on to discover her life's calling as not JUST a whore, but as a pimp mother. Furthermore, she was actually the Wicked Bitch of Eastcoast before her sudden sexual awakening, hence the demise of the chaste Bitch at that same time. In the end, she assumes the magical title of 'the Witch of Whores' and leads sexual profiteering to a whole new golden era (nono, not condom colours)
The Scarecrow realises that he can make a fortune as a straw-producing punching bag. The Tin Man realises that he has it in him all along (literally). Toto-toy also gets repaired and continues providing pleasure for the many many recruits in Dotty's playhouse.
Everybody loves happily ever after.
Disclaimer: Do not read this if you are extremely upright and uptight, if you know what i mean. Also, people easily grossed out and very 'pure' should avoid this as well. Of course, this disclaimer would have done much better at the top of the entry :P
OZing to... Star Whores Theme - Dwayne's Dirty Mind
Chapter 1
Once upon a time, there was a young chao ah lian named Dotty. She was pretty pretty (and skanky to match) and would never be seen anywhere without her Toto-Toy ("gives as much pleasure as gambling"), frequently engaging in intercourse with it (TALK lah!).
Her Toto-Toy, however, was simply a cheaper and more commercial version of the Mega Blasters as popularised on Missy Elliott's "Toyz", but that's completely beside the point.
At 12 midnight on her birthday, her fruity ovaries ripened to the legal age of 18. Luckily, she was wearing her birthday suit, for anything else might have been stained. Bad.
At this pivotal and defining moment in her life, a freak mental tornado swept her young nubile mind into a whole new shitload of disillusionment. It was vicious, it was overwhelming, it was... purely ravaging.
"OooOoh!" she exclaimed in an ecstatic high. "Toto, i think we're not in Kranji anymore"
Toto-Toy whirred and vibrated in agreement.
Dotty glanced around at her surroundings: Curvaceous hills littered with a tiny mud hut atop each one, phallic obelisks were erected in the middle of nowhere, cavernous holes threatening to swallow one whole... Obviously, the architect of this mindscape was terribly perverse.
Suddenly, loud cheering erupted from behind her (not from her behind... that would be just sick). She quickly spun around and was greeted by an unholy gathering of extremely NOT well-endowed (height being one of them) man-things. A particularly ugly cretin crept up behind her and bit her butt, but this minor inconvenience was taken care of immediately as the rest of the man-things swarmed that cretin in turn and chomped on his arse.
"OooOoh!" Dotty moaned out post-'revelation', if you know what i mean. "No wonder you guys are called Munch-hinds". Toto-toy could not help but feel a nagging suspicion over these troglodytes, but then Toto-toy could only have nagging feelings anyway.
After a whole crappola of buttmunch (the same applies to the storyline here), the Munch-hinds thanked Dotty profusely for accidentally vanquishing the Wicked Bitch of Eastcoast, who had earlier been refusing to whore her *ahem* assets to the Munch-hinds. They then forced Dotty to wear the Bitch's magical scandals.
To guide Dotty on her road to self-discovery, they mentioned something vague about a "Wizard of Whores" who could help her in her journey of self-discovery, and started chanting:
"Follow the Geylang Back Road, follow the Geylang Back Road! Hi-De Hi-De Hi-De Hi-deh follow the Geylang Back Road!"
Dotty thought she grasped the gist (and lots more) of their message and continued on her way, never realising that the sneaky Munch-hinds were actually chanting for more 'hide' to sink their cigarette-stained yellow teeth into.
Chapter 2
The Geylang Back Road was beautiful! It was quiet (save the occasional grunting and groaning, source: unknown) and peaceful, except for the occasional blood-curdled scream. The place was also well-lit under the coruscating red lanterns pimping some sort of undisclosed service. The road stretched in one direction, and there were hypodermic needles littering the dark and dank floor.
Other than that, Dotty completely enjoyed the ambience.
Toto-toy purred softly and smoothly, providing a calming presence and much more for Dotty.
She wanted to find the Wizard to seek his advice. She needed to know whether to return to innocence (damn pwning song by Enigma, btw) or to continue down this path of self-discovery. Also, she had to know whether she was in a deliriously (wet) dream.
After a lonesome (but no less fun) while of walking, Dotty spotted a rather limp Scarecrow, sprawled spread-eagle across the district. She stood right over it, her pert... hands waving about gestures of impatience.
"Wah BIANG eh!! Simi Scarecrow buay song sleep in the middle of the road! Some people need to walk leh! KNNB CCB!"
Whatever (sexual) predator lurking in the shadows that heard this brutal display of butch-ness was immediately scared away, guranteeing Dotty's safe passage.
Wanting to not be further delayed, Dotty tried walking over the flaccid scarecrow.
BIG MISTAKE! NO STARK-NAKED WOMAN SHOULD TRY TO WALK OVER A MAN PRETENDING TO BE LIMP.
Unfortunately, Dotty didn't suspect this, and the Scarecrow literally sprang up under her.
Luckily (or unluckily for the Scarecrow), our heroine knew the secret martial (or was it marital?) arts of the Karma Sutra and immediately pinned him down in some kinky position that even a limp scarecrow could not bend around to. Dotty then delivered a swift kick to the scarecrow's groin, simultaneously screeching "Take this, you cheekopek!"
The scarecrow expressed no pain, and even started convulsing in pleasure.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Dotty menacingly shouted while letting loose a flurry of kicks to the Scarecrow's groin. The Scarecrow apparently reached a climax of sorts, as he started oozing straw out of his ears of corn.
"Thank you for freeing me from my imprisonment. I was trapped by the Wicked Bitch of Eastcoast while on my way to see the Wizard of Whores" the scarecrow solemnly muttered, scaring the shit out of Dotty (if there WAS any left after the Munch-hinds). "I need my problem corrected. You see, i can only achieve my *ahem* nirvana through violence and kinky torture."
*Cue stunned silence*
"I want to experience scarecrow lovin' the normal way!" he continued. "I want some serious corn in the cob action here, if you know what i mean."
Dotty hence gained a new travelling companion on her journey. Toto-toy once again felt a shiver down its spine, although that may be because Dotty turned on its power.
Chapter 3
"No no no. Stupid author, i am not feeling in the mood for any zoophilia or kinky animal sex scenes here!" Dotty announced loudly to the narrator of this fairy tale gone wrong.
"BUT IT IS IN THE PLOT, HOWEVER CONVOLUTED AND DISGUSTING" boomed a voice from above.
"Please? Pretty please?"
"NO!"
"Don't eff $#*& ^% with ME you arrogant, erectile dysfunctioned CCB SOB!" she let loose another barrage of vulgarities completely unbecoming of her.
"OKOK THEN!" the voice submitted, relinquishing all poetic justification he had.
Dotty and co. then came across a very hard and firm Tin Man, who was silently crying atop a slummy trashcan lid.
"I can't even cry!!" the Tin Man lamented. One can only imagine what else he could not do involving a secretion of fluids. The trashcan lid shouted from underneath him "You still owe me $$$, you dry bastard!".
"WAAAAAAAAH" he sobbed. At this point, Toto-toy inappropriately malfunctioned and started violently vibrating while in the scarecrow's hands. "Oh shizzles..." the Scarecrow groaned as more straw started foaming out of his every orifice.
Ignoring the obnoxious Scarecrow, Dotty went up to the Tin Man. "I've always liked strong, hard men who can dominate me" she cooed seductively into his metallic ears. "I'm sure the Wizard of Whores can have your problem fixed, with a little (actually no, a LOT of) lubricant"
This obviously cheered up the Tin Man, and he put away his deficiencies and followed along with the ragtag group. Don't worry, there were no orgies here as everyonel had some random sexual problem, so no one was in any mood for virile copulation. This is hence the only scene to qualify as an M-18.
Chapter 4
They finally made their way to the end of the Geylang Back Road. Here lay the majestic, the splendid and the sparkling Emmigrant City. Here, muliple-sex-changed transvestites from all over the world such as e
Upon entering under the City's signature green arches, actually a cleverly disguised groin & leg region of some crystalline behemoth, the trio were greeted by a thunderous voice represented by a kinky pole-dancing whore-logram.
"You cannot be helped! There exists no scientific methods of augmentation to suit your needs!"
Dejected, the trio were about to turn back when they saw a weeping Pamela Anderson (and her bosom buddies) storm angrily out of the booth.
"Next, please" cued their turn with the Wizard. Tremendous waves of excitemen' and all other 'men were building up in our protagonists. At last, they would be able to address their problems.
They stepped into the booth with great trepidation, only to be pleasantly shocked (and not by the Wizard's kinky electro-torture gadget, Zapgasm). The Wizard of Whores was not the man he was portayed to be! He was smaller than the Munch-hinds, and that says a lot.
"Before you comment on my stature, i must reiterate that 'its not the size, its how you use it!'" the wizened old Wizard explained.
"Wasn't that quote from Nigel Powers in Austin Powers 3?" Dotty asked quizzically.
"Aack then you have discovered my lack of intelligence as well..." the Wizard concluded in submission, and committed suicide via autoerotic asphyxiation.
Without the title character, the entire story also unceremoniously ends.
Prologue
Haha. Just joking.
Dotty goes on to discover her life's calling as not JUST a whore, but as a pimp mother. Furthermore, she was actually the Wicked Bitch of Eastcoast before her sudden sexual awakening, hence the demise of the chaste Bitch at that same time. In the end, she assumes the magical title of 'the Witch of Whores' and leads sexual profiteering to a whole new golden era (nono, not condom colours)
The Scarecrow realises that he can make a fortune as a straw-producing punching bag. The Tin Man realises that he has it in him all along (literally). Toto-toy also gets repaired and continues providing pleasure for the many many recruits in Dotty's playhouse.
Everybody loves happily ever after.
Disclaimer: Do not read this if you are extremely upright and uptight, if you know what i mean. Also, people easily grossed out and very 'pure' should avoid this as well. Of course, this disclaimer would have done much better at the top of the entry :P
OZing to... Star Whores Theme - Dwayne's Dirty Mind
Came, Saw and Conquered by dw 6:01 PM
2 Comments:
At 4:48 PM ,
Anonymous said...
'I Like to Move It' is here.
At 4:54 AM ,
Unknown said...
I really don't know if you want to know this but it was my sexual cure, it saved my marriage...Online Pharmacy...You have to see it..
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