Chapter 4: How to Be a Buaya-ess

Before you start wondering about the gender equality (or lack thereof) in this book, read the title of this chapter once again! Ok, that was a rather weak argument, but so has been Bush's reason for invading countless sovereign, peace-loving countries.

Irritated by the way you dismember live buffalo that's too scary for guys? Afraid that the marsh makeup you so meticulously put on clashes with your light green skin tone? Tired of endlessly sunbathing on the river banks, showing off your body but to no avail?

Fret not, for this chapter will teach you how to be like Buaya Spears (pictured)


Oops I did it again. I ate up your heart, got lost in the game
Beauty Tips:

1. Don't ever use Eu de Roadkill as your perfume of choice! Unless of course you have 4 bottles to spare per sitting. However, buying out the store every month tends to burn a hole in your leather pockets. Men enjoy it when the girl smells worse, for it masks his own (horrific) body odour.
2. Wear only the finest mink, with fresh bloodstains on it. Nothing turns a guy on more than knowing that his lady is self-sustaining and independent. Let him pamper you once in awhile though, for it lets him feel in charge.
   
3. Keep your long hair under wraps, occasionally letting it down to show off your 'wild side', although that's what most of your prey will see anyway...
4. Flash your hot thighs whenever possible. Especially if your name starts with the letter 'W'. Woo they won't be able to get enough of you (literally)!
   

Wooing/Being Woo'ed Tips:

1. Be receptive to his attempts to communicate with you! Don't play hard to get, for it just makes you seem like a tau bitch that isn't worth pursuing. Try to respond to his SMSes within the month. Any less and it would make you seem desperate.
2. Who says its wrong for the fairer sex to make the first move? Especially in Singapore, where the guys are so shy and socially inept. If you reject them when they actually DO have the courage to approach you, they will forever vow themselves into celibacy. Trust me, a whole generation of computer-stoned geeks is NOT good for the eye (candy, that is).
3. Accept any gifts they give you, then choose your suitor based on the most expensive meaningful presents. Please ignore the canceled word. Please.
   

Dating Tips:

1. Make yourself fashionably late, but not late, on the first date. The latter 'late' being you know what i mean...
2. Offer to split the bill 2 ways! If he accepts, dump him because he's a cheapo.
3. Offer to split the bill 2 ways! If he insists on paying, dump him because he doesn't believe in equal rights.
   

Just because this book is written by a Buaya (and a King at that) doesn't mean its not applicable to you!

With these, go and make your move, woman!

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Back to the Buay-sics.