The April Fool has to Shit too...

Hap Dae Fool Fool!

Today was a rather uneventful April Fool's. No one was taking the initiative to play any tricks because everyone simply wanted to watch others get tricked... Vicious cycle entering our diminutive lives once again. I think i tried to trick Jen into thinking he had some random crap on his nose, which qualifies for the 'Bestest and Most Interestings April Fool's Day Joke in the world' award. Of course, the use of open and closed inverted commas COULD also mean some form of sarcasm (e.e no, duh).

The abnormally simple chinese test breezed by, with many thanks to my sister who gave me some last minute (read: 1130 pm the night before) ting xie to prep me up. Once again, I have to reprimand my worrying, paranoid self not to waste energy overworking itself for basic class tests, and to focus only on other important matters. Such as winning Playstation 2 game challenges. And the abolished PEARLS system. And... you get my point.

After yet another sluup-worthy Bubble Tea (chocolate milk tea w/ pearls), i proceeded to walk all the way home from junction 8 again. This journey back, though blisteringly unconfortable (read: abrasions in places indisclosable on a PG blog), is rather therapeutic and stress-relieving, and allows me to organise my thoughts for my rapidly degenerating blog O.o

Today's sappy-as-heck-long-walk-home-theme-song was "Sorry (Seems to be the Hardest Word)", obviously the Blue rendition as no self-respecting person would be caught dead singing an Elton. Methinks i scared/scarred off some screeching alleycat in the process, as all i heard after attempting a high note was the clashing of some dustpan lid in the HDB shadows (no doubt the cat's ears falling off).

While continuing my ponder into the wonders of science and life, i (unfortunately) stumbled across a sign advertising the spangling new Bishan New Town's "Have You Sparkle Lately?" slogan on a tacky, community-centre-made turquoise poster.

O.M.G.

"Sparkle"? "Lately"? WHERE the heck is the bloody QC??? Do we Singaporeans want to flaunt our overexceedingly poor grammar and vocabulary to the rest of the world (worst still, Malaysians)? Do we want to further degrade ourselves to the standard of post 1950s kampongs when we're already teethering so close to the level of 1960s ones?

I hope the lesser of two evils is the belittling and criticising of fellow singaporeans and their butchery of the english language, and not being the ignoramus who actually participated in sprucing up his/her community (to no bloody avail, of course).

As i walked further into the HDB heartlands (uggh such a gay term), the displacement of shit from my gut due to the input of bubble tea and breadtalk had already reached dizzying heights (literally). There is nothing more draining and enervating in real-time itself than trying to keep shit escapee convicts penned up (except maybe keeping in the piss).

While masterly brisk-walking (try it when u need to shit), I made the realisation that the otherworldly forces of shit pushing its way out comes in waves. It is such that after every successful deflection of shit's undertaking into the region of one's underpants, one feels this tingly ripple of what i deduced is flatulence. A brief and temporal eye of the storm follows, after which another wave 10 times in magnitude will literally tear out of one's butt. This exponential increase in shitload (as i have dubbed the force associated with escaping dung) is an absolute pain in the ass, no pun intended.

(some contextual knowledge: shitload (SI unit: N) is positive on its way out, but can be negative as well whenever it refuses to come out after much grunting and groaning on the toilet bowl)

I managed to keep the first 3 or 4 waves under wraps, but with my poor threshold of pain and my extremely weak gluteus maximus, I had to detour to the Construction Industry Training Institute to release the (toxic and smelly) beast. Its very amazing how everything seems to go wrong when ur in desperate need of a toilet. I was stopped by the security guard, got my bag snagged on the toilet door and had to wipe away copious pee-stains on the toilet bowl.

AMAZING GRACE HOW SWEET THE SOUND! God really makes us appreciate the relief in pain post-humus (haha humus = shit, fyi). I am NOT being sacrilegious or blasphemous here as the human body is a wonderful piece of biological machinery. Its just that its true that God gives us pain so that we can treasure the time after...

Ok. Feeble attempt at explaining why i thought shitting was a holy affair: failed.

Anyway, it was only after my ROD (relief of doodie) that i realised how totally smelly the building was. Though not as putrid as my 'cake', the permeating waft of sweaty indian and malay construction worker stench poked its slimy hands deeeep into my nostrils, and have forever adversely altered my sense of smell O.o Kinda tells you how bad mine was... huh?

I theeenk that's enough shitscapades anyone ever needs to hear in their lives... Hey, can't help it if i talk so much crap.

Oh, and i found a fellow regurgitator in Boon! If you're reading this, chew on it dude! I really thought i was the only person around with that sort of prowess O.o.

Finally, to all people whom i don't know about reading this blog, MAKE YOUR PRESENCE KNOWN to me(or at least me to your friends), lest i IP link you using my blogpatrol ;)



Not giving a shit to... We Are - Ana Johnsson